Eh bien, je continue
Did I have the same look of bewilderment on my face? What are we doing, exactly?
Well, what are we doing? I sometimes wonder if instant sexual gratification is enough for us to bare all; to stand in front of someone literally naked, vulnerable, with no layers to shield us from judgment.
In most cases, at least for me, the answer is No. What motivates me is the possibility of finding a connection, and I think I’ve gotten OK at noticing when one is there or isn’t. I have the benefit of experience there. Something someone said to me one night while talking about our past really stuck with me: At least you know what it feels like.
That is true; I loved S. unconditionally, and in some ways it’s a forever kind of love. But I guess I’ve come to realize that even though I did experience a connection there, I still wonder if I am any better at listening to my inner voice than I was before the pseudo-relationship.
Of course, nothing exists in isolation. If my motivation to find a connection conflicts with my intuition telling me to slow down and take my time, there’s going to be a winner.
The trouble for me, then, is not figuring out what I’m doing; unfortunately, I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m trying to seek validation through other people, and I’m ignoring the signals that tell me to slow it down or to ditch all together.
Truthfully, I did wear the same look of bewilderment that he did, but likely not for the same reasons. Instead, I found myself, and continue to find myself, in bewilderment and awe at how despite seeing things clearly for what they are, I can choose to act as if I weren’t truly conscious.
Eh bien, je continue.
